Sept, 2008
I am going to give this blog another shot...I wrote a beautiful masterpiece of a blog that I was very proud of maybe a month or two back - it was witty, descriptive, breezy and smart. I really felt it was a literary accomplishment as far as my writing goes....only to have the power go out just as I was hitting the "post" button. I know this will not compare to my first "lost" blog, but this story is just too wacky to go untold.
Well, most of you who are my friends on here will obviously remember that I was singing in a band when I was in MA and that I loved it, that singing is my passion. Most of you also have been rather mad to hear that I have not really pursued any musical endeavors since moving to South Florida (my bank's singing contest excluded) and you all let me know this on a semi regular basis. Well, this is the story of what happened when I finally did try to get back into the music "scene".
This story will go down in history, as far as my history is concerned. I'm still not entirely convinced that it actually happened...there is a chance that this could have been either just a really crazy, whacked out, freak of a dream, or that I was on acid or peyote or some other kind of psychedelic drug and having some kind of hallucinogenic experience. Anyway you cut it though, it makes for one hilarious tale.
So, one of the girls I work with and have become friends with is a "float" teller (she goes to the banks that are short staffed to fill in) and she had been working at my bank one day. While she was talking to me she remembered me as the winner from the Bank's singing contest at the holiday party. She told me she had enjoyed my singing. She then proceeded to tell me that she knew this great musician that was looking for a female vocalist, that he had a music studio and I should meet up with him.
So I said "what the hell!" and a couple weeks later I met up with her and some of her friends to go to this guy's studio.
There was no way I could have been prepared for this night. Just no way.
As I pulled up to the studio I could hear the muffled sounds of a guitar being played. This was familiar, comfortable, it reminded me of pulling up to band practice. "Perhaps I will finally be in a band again!" I thought to myself.
Everyone got out of their cars and I was introduced to whomever I did not know. Then... the door swung open - enter Louie.
Louie. How shall I describe him? He had the energy of a cartoon version of Robin Williams. And not just the coked out Robin Williams. If Robin Williams had been on coke... and crack. And was a cartoon.
It must have been a while since he had people over, for he was over joyed at the sight of us, and started in with a barrage of hugs and kisses and ramblings on about how happy he was to have us and "were we ready to rock?" and many other fast talking phrases I can't even begin to recall. He had his cousin or nephew or something who I think was in his thirties with him, who seemed pretty laid back. Then again anyone would have seemed laid back next to this guy.
He must have been in his mid fifties, though I doubt very much that he realized it. He was a bit over weight and maybe it was his personality, but he came across (in my memory at least) as disheveled in appearance.
After the initial introductions and/or hellos he proceeded to continue in his frenzied excitement to offer us drinks. "OK, whatever you want to drink; we have vodka we have rum we have wine we have shots we have blue martini's - you want a blue martini? I can make a great blue martini, what'll you have? what do you want? come on, whatever you want guys, look at this bar - you name it I have it, red martini? Wine?"
We all opted for beer. He made the martini he kept raving about. I sat on the couch with a couple of my new friends, the two others sat on near by chairs against the wall - that was the wise choice in hind sight.
Right away he ran to his guitar - he really must have been attention starved, you could see how badly he needed the focus on him right away. He walked over to this machine that had pre-programmed bass and drums, picked out a bluesy/rock beat that kinda sounded like "Some Kinda Wonderful" and just went to town - as if he was a rock god. This was a sight to behold, he started to jump around and flail his guitar as he kept finger tapping to the back round music...then he went up to the microphone and started "singing" (and I use that term loosely) into it, occasionally stepping back to jump or sway erratically.
I was not impressed. He was average at best in his ability to play the guitar. However I have also been around some of the most talented guitarists/musicians in the business, (uncle Kook and Mr. Bogus) so maybe I am being a little harsh. No, no, no...he wasn't even close to being as good as them. I'm sure he thought otherwise though.
Well, it was at about this point that he, in his excitement, knocked over the mic stand...that proceeded to knock over the bowl of chips and all the drinks that were on the table in front of where I was sitting. And they spilled right on to...you guessed it - me. Feet. Soaked. With Beer. and by fet that includes my cute wedge heels that I loved. The floor was a catastrophe. You wouldn't have known it though, Louie just kept-a right on playing.
Next up, Louie's original songs. After he played the first tune, a sort of up beat 80's sounding, run of the mill, generic song, there came a slow, cliche, 80's like ballad, complete with a cheesy "this is for the ladies...I'm gonna slow things down a bit..." introduction that made me embarrassed for him. It was by this point I started to realize this was probably not going to be my start to singing in Florida.
Well, finally Louie somehow managed to find it in him to take the attention off of himself for a moment so that I could "audition" for him. Again a barrage of words that came at me like a machine gun....I can't even begin to remember what he said besides calling me "Ja-nininininiinininininin-een". I started telling him what songs I knew that he might be able to play for me, but was ignored. He started ranting about it almost being twenty five minutes to midnight and when it was twenty five minutes to midnight then we would know twenty five minutes to midnight..then he handed me a paper with lyrics on it.
"What's this?" I said
"Twenty five minutes to midnight! my song! weren't you listening to what i said?"
To which I replied "ummm, I didn't know you were talking about a song..."
He launched right into this original tune...prompting me to sing...a song that I have never even heard played or even hummed once for me...and he expected me to know it. So I just sucked it up and made up my own way through it. He was beyond excited at my singing ability...and started rambling about making millions of dollars and calling me "the million dollar baby" and making records and all sorts of other bull shit. Then to my disbelief, he started yet another original that he expected me to sing. This is where I drew the line. I told him absolutely not. I was not going to sing another song I didn't know, and that if he wanted me to sing his songs, make me a cd and I would learn them and put my spin on them. He wouldn't have it, he kept trying to force me into singing the song...he kept playing the beginning, and trying to lure me into singing it. Everyone there was annoyed too, they kept saying they wanted to hear me sing a song the whole way through - but he was simply just on another planet. He didn't hear them. I got really aggravated, but I held my ground. Finally when I saw that he wasn't going to stop, I excused myself to go have a cigarette.
Everyone came out with me. The girl who had told me about him in the first place apologized. Everyone was frustrated with this dude too.
Then he came out to where we were, he finally relented and said we could do a song I know...we decided on "Rock n' Roll" but first he asked us if we'd heard his "American Boy" song. Obviously I hadn't...I didn't know about the others. Then for the first time that night his nephew or cousin or whatever piped in ;
"Let me tell you something, this American Boy song; Abercrombie and Fitch...American Eagle...Gap....they will buy this up in a minute...It will make millions. MILLIONS. This song will be huge."
O.K dude.
Louie launched right into an acapella version of this American Boy song.. I will tell you all how it started;
"In 1492, when Columbus sailed the ocean blue"...I shit you not.
Next verse;
"In 1776..."
Yup. A little history lesson, boys and girls.
And in between there was some generic chorus about "cuz I'm an American boy, god bless America..." yadda yadda yadda...
It was cringe worthy.
When we went back inside he stayed true to his word and started to play something that sort of resembled "Rock n Roll"...sort of. But really, really, reaaalllly slow. I asked him to speed it up, but he denied me. He said he wanted me to "hang on the notes". I wanted to punch him in the face. It's OK though, because I barely got the first verse and chorus out before he literally stepped in front of me and just started solo-ing out to a completely different song. altogether.
I was all set. I wanted to get the eff out right then and there. I sat down. He tried yet again for me to sing his original song. I flat out refused. This was ridiculous. We all had enough and decided to leave. Again, I must stress that this guy must not have visitors too often because he kept saying
"TWO more minutes, TWO more minutes...just stay a little longer guys".
We opened the door to go outside....he pushed though us and SLAMMED the door shut.
"You guys aren't going anywhere, there is one more thing I have to do..."
We all looked at each other in a silent panicked alarm. This was it. He was gonna lock us in, take out a gun, and shoot us all. We're dead.
We weren't that lucky.
What he did do was put on the recorded version of the friggin "American Boy" song...and then proceeded to take his mic and karaoke along with his own song....prancing around like a fool and using all the grand gestures like pumping his fist at the sky, and pointing to each one of us as he sang and danced around like a jack ass.
This song must have been the longest song in history. I felt like i was watching this train wreck for an hour...in reality, prob 8 or 9 minutes - that's is 8 or 9 minutes longer then it should have been. As soon as it was over we headed straight for the door, again he tried to get us to stay...
"TWO more seconds, TWO more seconds, alright, ONE second..come back in come back in.."
This time we made it out the door, I all but ran to my car. Freedom. Just as I was about to pull away he yelled over to me;
"So what do you think? You want to put some tracks down?"
"I don't really think so..."
And I drove off in a spinning daze and slowly made my way back to reality. My friend Yohanna who had been the one to set this all up called me later that night to apologize - I told her I actually thought the whole situation was hilarious, and I wouldn't take it back if I got to do it again - it makes for a great story.
After all there was no harm done, I was home safe and sound, slowly returning to the real world, and proud that I at least gave it a shot.
It was definitely the mother of all Adventure's in South Florida.
